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I Know You're Faking It, But That's Okay [entries|friends|calendar]

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[18 Aug 2004|01:30pm]
[ mood | curious ]

i want to make a new journal. but i'm still debating. and since i have so much free time on my hands, that shouldn't be too much of a trouble for me. i still have to finish my ap world history project. it's due tomorrow before one. i'm a dead girl walking. erf.

And The Pain Goes Down

[13 Aug 2004|10:34pm]
[ mood | horrible ]

i am a theater geek and i am damn proud of it. =P

i want to save you...Collapse )

One Drink |And The Pain Goes Down

[13 Aug 2004|01:39pm]
[ mood | stressed out ]

i went out with bryan yesterday. it's been a while since i've really seen him, so i was on the rather happy side. we went to see chris' show and it was amazing. i must say that they're not bad at all and of course, chris was fantastic as usual. after the show we went to umberto's for dinner and whatnot and then i went and watched bryan bowl in his parent-child league or whatever you want to consider it. i love watching him bowl. he's so talented and good at it and he's doing what he loves all the time and even when he gets aggravated, it helps me to see his passion for it and all that and yeah, i just love him a lot. today i went and taught at vaction bible school (thank god it was the last day) and i got millions of gifts from all my students and i was so happy that i did. i had no idea that they liked me so much. well, i have to go take a shower and work on my ap world history project and then i'm going to work at 3:00. after work, i'm going to the show that my students are putting on and then dessert night underneath the big tent. my tenor sax is ready, i'm so excited. i'm going to pick it up now because i miss it a whole lot. i miss devin and alessandra and katie and laura too. it's making me cry.

One Drink |And The Pain Goes Down

[10 Aug 2004|04:46pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck
If I cut my arm bleeding

This is my last resort

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck
If I cut my arm bleeding

Do you even care if I die bleeding?
Would it be wrong?
Would it be right?
If I took my life tonight,
Chances are that I might
Mutilation out of sight
And I'm contemplating suicide

Because I'm losing my sight
Losing my mind
I wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

heartbreak, a fake smile, and two thousand miles...Collapse )
One Drink |And The Pain Goes Down

[08 Aug 2004|02:44pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

my stomach hurts.  i'm really sunburned.  i have my period.  there's nothing on television.  i have no one to hang out with.  i'm really tired.  i have to teach tomorrow.  i want to go shopping.  i have to do my ap world history project.  i don't want to clean my room.  i'm pissed off.  life's a bitch sometimes.

One Drink |And The Pain Goes Down

[08 Aug 2004|11:49am]
[ mood | creative ]

i decided to make an entry for my friends because i've been missing them lately, so here it goes.

tara lynn
we haven't had that much time to hang out lately because of my practices and your social life. and considering i'm always so busy and all of that i've been neglecting you and i feel horrible about it. you've always been there for me and i miss you a whole lot, you are amazing and i don't know what i'd do without you. i love you forever and we need to have a sleepover like...now.

you're like my brother and i don't know what i would do without you. all of my practices and your things to do have made us not on that frequent of speaking terms but i really do miss you and i'm voting for a hang out day for us. it's much needed. you're help on the ap world history project would be much needed too. i love you kev.

you're the best. we haven't been friends for that long, but we've gotten so close and i trust you with my life. you're amazing and we need to hang out...forever. you're like my identical twin and your psychic powers are definitely growing on me. you + me + sugar = true happiness.

working with you has been...well...interesting. thanks for showing me around and teaching me everything i need to know and being a true friend to me through everything. my life wouldn't be the same without you, so thanks.

i just got to know you, but i already feel so close to you and all that. you're at your summer house and i miss you a lot. i have to come out and spend a weekend, it's much needed. i miss giving you high fives and i've been singing on the willows by myself for a week or two. you're the best, i love you dev.

getting to know you has been so great and talking to you gets better and better every time. you've made such an impact on my life and you've become such a role model to me, i can say nothing except good luck in college and in everything you do. thanks for everything, i really do love you.

we've gotten a lot closer and i'm glad i have you as a friend. whether we're prank phone calling kristin or you're attmepting to play guitar, i'm always having fun when i'm with you. i'm so glad i met you and i miss you a lot. we need to hang out like all the time over the rest of the summer. i love you.

oh my god, i miss you my dearest prologue buddy. we need to hang out because i'm having separation anxiety! i want to wear my davinci sign and everything and oh my god i just want to perform with you again. i'm so glad i met you and we became friends, you're great and i hope we keep in touch. i love you a whole bunch.

i'll never forget getting face painted or how we both love to pig out on junk food when we're loathing the male gender. we're so alike and i'm so glad i met you. you're such a great person and we live so close so we have to hang out and keep in touch. i'll never forget you, i love you laura!

my loverly, what would i do without you. you've been a best friend to me through thick and thin and i love you for that. i don't know what my life would be like without you but it probably wouldn't be very good and yeah, to sum up how i feel for you in as little as possible. i love you...always.

we've had our ups and downs and our trips to hell and back but if we keep working on it, i know we can gain back what we have and realize how true and close we will always be. i miss you and i love you and we're overdue for hanging out.

kate the great
i miss you i love you and i can't put anything else into words. ever since you switched schools i've been miserable and our three way phone conversations are much needed. we have to hang out, you're the best and i love you a lot.

i miss you and we need to hang out. i'm happy that we got so close and you are so great. i'm so happy that i got to work with you. you gave me so much faith and hope and energy and you're just so talented and great. i'll never forget you and i love you.

yeah, i miss these people...a lot. so if i sound gay and mushy, i don't care. <3

One Drink |And The Pain Goes Down

[05 Aug 2004|11:42am]
[ mood | crazy ]

and this is how it feels to not believe...Collapse )

One Drink |And The Pain Goes Down

<3 [04 Aug 2004|05:52pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

today i did a lot of thinking.  i realized how much i miss the cast of godspell and how excited i am to see them tomorrow.  and i realized what an amazing job we did and what a talented cast we are and that i would be the luckiest girl in the world if i got to work with all of them again.  i've seen the true friendships that have formed with each and every cast member and how much i love them deeply with everything that i have.  the experiences and days that we have shared together are incredible, and they are moments that i will never forget.  i have found many new best friends and i don't regret a single moment.  they are all so friendly and lovely and talented and unique and i have found genuine traits in each of them that make for a great friendship.  i will never forget these people and this goes out to them.

as we go on, we remember, all the times we, had together...Collapse )

One Drink |And The Pain Goes Down

[31 Jul 2004|11:17am]
[ mood | crappy ]

opening night went amazing last night. we did so good and everyone was cheering for us. we got a full standing ovation before our bows were even done. my family was really impressed and everybody who came for me said it was phenomenal and that we did great. i didn't go out with the cast last night because other things were planned that i really couldn't get out of. i missed hanging out with the cast and i wish that i was with them right now and last night, but i'll hang out with them tonight and tomorrow at the strike party.

other than my good news about the play, i haven't been feeling so great myself. i don't seem to know what to do with myself anymore. i thought i was so happy and tranquil and fine, but i guess not. it feels like no one cares about me anymore, and that's the scariest feeling in the world.

One Drink |And The Pain Goes Down

[30 Jul 2004|12:12pm]
[ mood | angry ]

i'm sitting in my house all by myself. i don't want to be with my friends. i don't want to be with my boyfriend. i don't want to be with my family. i don't want to be by myself. i just want to be with the cast right now. because i'm only really happy when i'm around them. tonight is opening night and i'm not worried because i know we are going to be great. i just hate sitting here by myself.

And The Pain Goes Down

[29 Jul 2004|11:01am]
[ mood | creative ]

i woke up at around 9:30 today, and that's a little too early for me so i wasn't too excited about that.  tomorrow is godspell and i'm really excited.  i've been having nervous gitters since i woke up this morning and i can't wait to put it on and show off all my talent and hard work.  today i have my last rehearsal from 3:00 - 12:00.  i'm going to have my mom bring food because we barely get to eat anything.  bryan is coming to see me tomorrow and he's bringing me flowers.  that makes me happy.

these are the best days of our lives...Collapse )

One Drink |And The Pain Goes Down

[27 Jul 2004|09:53am]
[ mood | confused ]

i haven't updated this in a while because i've been busy with friends and godspell and all that jazz, so i'll recap the past few days for you.

- worked from 1:00 - 6:00
+ made fifty bucks in my paycheck
- had to work at a birthday party
+ got to work with artie
- had to work with angela too
+ didn't have godspell practice
+ bryan came to visit me at work
- he came when i was really busy
+ i went out with bryan after work
+ he went bowling and got nine strikes in a row
+ then we went back to his house and watched the sixth sense
+ i got to stay out past my curfew
- this was the last night i'd have free for a while
+ i called him when i got home
- we were so tired that we could barely talk

+ i went bowling with my mom and my brother
- my first two games sucked
+ but my third game was amazing
- i had godspell practice from 6:00 - 10:00
- i couldn't hang out with bryan
- i couldn't hang out with sam either
- i couldn't hang out with kevin either
+ i started to finish my ap world history project
- overall, the day was bad

- it was the start of tech week
- i had rehearsal from 5:00 - 11:00
+ we didn't have to dance during rehearsal
- our drummer sucks
+ but i got out at 9:00
+ me, zach, tim, pierce, chrissy, jami, kristen, and kathleen all went to a block party
+ we sung light of the world and advertised godspell
+ we taught everyone the new version of the cottoneyed joe
+ we went to wendy's and all got food
- schlapp wasn't there
+ anthony, kate, and her boyfriend came with us
+ we all went back to the gym and talked and ate on the stage
- chrissy's brother took us down in the tunnel that goes under the stage
- he turned off the flashlight and me and chrissy ran out screaming
+ zach drove me home and we talked for a while
+ i got to stay out past curfew again
+ this was by far the best night of my life

- had to wake up early to sell tickets at mass
+ sold tickets with tim and john
+ went out to see spiderman 2 with time and john
+ went back to the gym and picked up patty
+ we drove around for an hour to look for food
+ finally we found domenico's
+ they has amazing pizza
- we had our first tech rehearsal
- the microphones were very uncomfortable
- we got out really late
+ today was another amazing day

+ i picked bryan up at 12:00
+ he came back to my house for lunch
+ we watched holes and home alone 2
+ then we just hung around and talked
+ he came to godspell with me
- but we didn't start until really late
- so he had to go home and get some dinner
- i felt horrible
- and he seemed like he wanted to leave anyway
- we had rehearsal until 11:15
- i was completely drained when i came home
- my sinuses were acting up again

i think i might be getting sick and that's not good because friday is opening night. not next friday...this friday. i'm going to go pump suddafed into my blood system. good bye.

One Drink |And The Pain Goes Down

[21 Jul 2004|02:55pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

it's really hard to know that all of your efforts to help someone have failed.  and any minor, miniscule attempt to finally reach the climax of a friendship or a relationship for that matter gets thrown down and you can never pick it back up again.  there is hope, but not much of it.

bye bye beautiful...Collapse )

One Drink |And The Pain Goes Down

[20 Jul 2004|12:34pm]
[ mood | worried ]

i'm updating for the sake of updating, not because i have anything worthwhile to say. i have a pretty boring day today. i'm not going anywhere, i have no money to go anywhere, nobody invited me anywhere and i have a craving to go swimming. i don't know if that's even possible, but i guess it is now. my mom's making sloppy joe's for lunch, that's the only good part of my day, and i'm talking to kevin online, that makes me happy too. i went and saw anchorman with bryan yesterday, that was the funniest movie i've seen in a while. then i watched dude where's my car until 1:00 in the morning, that was great. me and bryan talked for a half an hour and then i fell asleep and i woke up early, i guess that's why i'm so bitchy today.

One Drink |And The Pain Goes Down

[17 Jul 2004|10:50am]
[ mood | curious ]

me and bryan had a really emotional conversation on the phone last night.  when we hung up, i stayed awake in my room and cried for hours.  then i watched television and realized that i had to work tomorrow, so i forced myself to go to sleep.  talking to him last night made me think of a lot of different things, some good, but some bad.  i wrote him a really long e-mail this morning and i told him everything that was on my mind.  i think that's going to clarify a lot of things for both of us and if anything, make us closer than we were before.

you're not a threat to me...Collapse )

And The Pain Goes Down

[16 Jul 2004|03:11pm]
[ mood | bored ]

i'm hungry and tired and bored as hell. i have nothing better to do than sit here and watch television. the men are still here working on my bathroom and they're drilling and hammering everything. it's so noisy, i can't stand it. no one's online and i want to talk to someone and feel like i'm cared about, but yeah...i'm not.

One Drink |And The Pain Goes Down

[13 Jul 2004|06:54pm]
[ mood | okay ]

i got my ears pierced again today. so now there's four earrings in my right ear and three earrings in my left one. i like it a lot. it's not exactly what i expected, but i like it, and bryan likes it, so that's all that matters. i went to the mall with bryan today and i bought tara lynn a very very nice present because it's her birthday today. i'd tell you what i bought her, but then it wouldn't be a secret anymore. tomorrow, bryan's picking me up at 9:45 and i'm going to watch him bowl with his bowling league and then we're going to the barbeque for his dad's work, and i might go back to his house afterwards. then i have godspell practice from 6:00 - 10:00. on thursday i'm working from 1:00 - 6:00, and i'm busy at night so i can't make plans. friday i have godspell and saturday i want to hang out with tara lynn or maybe kevin, but it all depends if she's free and if my mommy has enough money to give me so i can go out somewhere. i hate it that my mommy can't go to the bank and all that. it makes me really sad.

And The Pain Goes Down

[12 Jul 2004|09:36am]
[ mood | bitchy ]

i'm too upset to update this, and i'm too sad to even care if i update this with anything useful anymore.  i shouldn't even be updating this or caring because i bet that no body even reads this.  i feel like putting a quiz on here and i was planning on putting a quiz in here, but i'm not really in the mood to take one and this isn't the best time to take a quiz, but i'm going to put all of that aside and put a quiz in here anyway.  bryan said he might bike over to my house today and visit me.  that makes me smile.  laura's talking to me online.  that makes me very happy.  i think those are the only two people that have made me smile so far.

i want to save you...Collapse )

One Drink |And The Pain Goes Down

[11 Jul 2004|02:53pm]
[ mood | burning up ]

i got back from my grandma's house today. it was okay. i mean i got to eat real food for the first time in weeks and it was really good so that made me happy. i stayed up really late and talked to bryan on the phone and my mom wasn't there to yell at me. but now i'm back, and i have godspell practice from 4:00 - 10:00 today. bryan is out all day. first he's working and then he has a late baseball game, so i can't see much of him today. tara is most likely busy this weekend. my mom's on the phone so i can't call her, and my cell phone is dead so i can't use that either. and i don't have much time before godspell anyway, so it's kind of pointless to call someone now. i have to be ready to leave in forty minutes, and i want to shower sometime soon. it's so hot in my house, the air conditioning isn't on and it's so humid and sticky and hot in here. it feels like i have to push the air out of the way because it's so thick. i'm watching the luck of the irish on the disney channel because that's how desperately bored i am. i better get going because i'm already wasting enough of my precious time by updating this. i doubt anyone reads it anyway. i'll put a quiz in here later, if i feel like it.

One Drink |And The Pain Goes Down

[09 Jul 2004|11:14am]
[ mood | depressed ]

i miss the way that life used to be.  i miss my old friends and who i used to hang out with and who i used to be.  i miss the fact that i didn't have to follow trends or be dating someone to fit in.  i miss the fact that i didn't care if i wasn't on the varsity sports teams or if i was in great physical shape.  i miss caring about my grades and always putting school first and then my social life.  i miss having a best friend that i used to call on the phone every night and she used to call me back too.  i miss hanging out with the same four or five people every weekend.  i miss not being embarassed to be seen with my family.  i miss not crying myself to sleep every night.  i miss the relationship i used to have with my family.  i miss the way i used to feel when i liked myself and when i didn't want to die.  i miss hanging out with sam and sean in my room really late for no apparent reason.  i miss being able to have a good time with my cousins and not thinking that it was gay.  i miss playing my instrument every day and actually trying to improve.  i miss singing for anyone and anything that would listen and feeling the rejoice and applause in my head.  i miss being able to talk to bryan until 2:30 in the morning.  i miss what my relationship with bryan was like before we got caught in the biggest lie of our lives.  i miss being in all honors classes and the honor society.  i miss being popular and having a lot of friends to fall back on.  i miss feeling special, but most of all.  i miss myself.

this awkward silence makes me crazy...Collapse )

One Drink |And The Pain Goes Down

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